2-23

Just a good day today. Weather is getting better so the mud is slowly going away. I will miss the exercise of moving around with 10 pounds of clay attached to each boot but I guess all good things have to come to an end even mud. We went to a local village today and as usual we were swarmed by the kids. Even though I don't know what they are saying other than "give me water" or "give me candy" but today it was "give me Radio". (we give out hand crank solar powered radios and the local radio station has a reading class every night so we give out books that go along with the program) The kids weren't any different from my own or kids in the US. They were all very curious and wanted to laugh and play. Life is so different for them but the core of who they are seems to be the same world wide. It was fun to see and made me miss my family.

I still love and am grateful for the support my family gives me. The support is for whatever I'm doing and my life is a little on the crazy side. Not as crazy as it has been in the past so I am happy about that. Some days are easier than others and today was a nice day. I got to take a nap so that was good even though it was short. That's about it for today Thanks for all the lists its been good to read and see the program work. Jon

 

Feb 20

Today I am thankful for

1. Sobriety and Family. I hope my family can feel how much I love them.

2. Its Kylie's birthday today and she is 7. She still is a little girl but time is moving way to fast.

3. I am so lucky to have so many good friends. I had recently finished a room in the garage at the house so my wife sister could live there while I was deployed. My sponsor brought over some slightly used carpet that will work perfectly. I am just grateful for people that look out for my family its awesome.

4. Time to think. The last few days have been really busy so today it has been nice to have a few conversations that had nothing to do with nothing other than a good conversation.

5. I got to really read a lot of the different lists and see what people are up to. It was fun to get a glimpse into some of your lives and see what the program has done for you. 

That's about it for now Thanks again to all who write. I know its good for me and I hope it does the same for you. Have a great sober day

Feb 16

Things just seem to be going smooth. I still get caught up in my head from time to time but I get out of it a lot faster than I ever have before. This is due to a lot of things that the program and people in the program have taught me. I am love new music. European folk music has been the music of choice lately (Mumford and sons) I had a good night sleep and that was nice. My sleep gets broken up for many reasons like I have a guard shift every night and if a door slams to loud then that can wake me up if I confuse it for a gunshot or something of the sort but sleep was good last night. I got to go out to shoot at the range today so that was also fun. I enjoy the comradely with all the other soldiers. Don't get me wrong there can be some down right catty drama from time to time but we all get some huge belly laughs at each other and that does out weigh the bad. As always I am so grateful for my family and my sobriety. My family is always one of those good thoughts that keep me out of the BS that can float around in my head. They make life so much better and even though I miss them I am so gratful for the life that we have built. It's the coolest. Take care and enjoy a sober day Jon

13 Feb

Today I have been reminded how strong fear can be. If you have seen the news I'm sure you have seen all of the budget cuts that our government is making. This includes the army. One way they have decided to cut back on spending is by cutting personnel. This is done by only allowing a small number to re-enlist. If a soldier has had any drug or alcohol problems then he won't be able to re-enlist or so I am told (I have 2 DUI's that I am grateful for). This idea or thought has made my head a terrible place to be today. With that though I have had small things that have pulled me out.

1. It has been frustrating at times how long it takes mail to get here and they also loose a lot of stuff so when my wife sent a Valentines package a few weeks ago we were frustrated with how long it had taken to get here. Guess when it showed up! It was full of pictures from the kids and it was a awesome reminder of what is most important. Jobs can come and go but I need my family to stay the same.

2. Today was a reminder of how unhealthy I still am and I see how I still need to work the program because I was in a negative place for a while. This was all over  something that may or may not happen (sponsor calls it Future F%&*#ing) and yes I still struggle with it even after all the work he put into getting me out of it.

3.Having this small short challenge just really motivates me more. This does suck to have to worry about a job right now and I truly have no idea what I will do for work (still have 20 months on this enlistment). I do know what not to do though. I do know how to make this situation even worse.

4. I still have sobriety and with that comes so much more opportunity than I would have if I continued in my addiction

5. I am so lucky that this is all I have to deal with because I could be dealing with vehicular manslaughter or kidney failure or other things that have happened to others because of addiction.

6. This program is such a gift, I can still feel worry and fear in the back of my head but it is surrounded by motivation and the love of my family both AA and biological. These good things will eventually push out the bad and I will be in a happier place it will just take some work.

7. I am so lucky to have 20 months to work on this and have several plans that may or may not work but this is far from a full blown tragedy.

8. My wife wants me to get out anyways so maybe this is god answering her prayer. (I hope she stops praying for this and just prays we will win the lottery..... you know something good)

9. I think I am almost out of my head and most of the progress was done while writing this list. I have a calm feeling that everything will be fine. (This took a large bottle of what ever was cheap to achieve this and now I won't have the hangover too)

Thanks to all for listening or reading my rant hope it wasn't to hard to follow. Have a wonderful sober day. Jon
Her are some lists from another SM

I am grateful today:

1. Kids

2.  Being in conversation about life using the steps to bring back a mother to her and my kids.  Praying before talking with my ex wife asking God to direct my conversation to bring credit to him/her and not making it about my pain or the pain I caused her.  Not making anybody wrong, and telling the truth.  A victory--been 6 months since she talked to her children and over a year since seeing her children when she lives 20 Min's away.  Guilt can paralysis people from doing whats right.

3.  Friends

4.  Going to Flimsy Reed and seeing people still doing this thing after three years meeting going from 10-15 to 100-150 people. 

5.  Sensations

6.  The sensation of smell had an Orange today that was so amazing to smell.  To be able to see the beauty in life with nature and with people. 

7.   Love

8.  Being in a loving relationship with friends, partners or family.  To love strangers because that is what somebody did for me.  To love and forgive my neighbors.  To love people who tell me the truth even when the truth sucks.

9.  Knowledge

10.  To know that I really know very little.  To be willing to share what little I know.  Knowledge is only valuable if it is shared.

So its been a long time

I am out of the states and it has been really hard to get to a meeting... well impossible. Thanks to some good friends in the program I have been able to keep in the conversation of recovery and sobriety. I make a daily gratitude list that I have decided to post here. This is a backlog of just a few. It wont be everyday that I get to post but maybe every week and I will try to post more than just my own (my list can get rather redundant) This is the first email to a friend that had just come back from a hard week and builds from there.

30 Jan 2012

Efing Awesome not only smile but a little teary eyed bro. Don't make me cry it makes me feel like a pussy. Plus there are people sitting at computers on both sides of me right now. This probably is common here though. Welcome back man I am so glad your here and in a better place. God can do such awesome things when we let him.

Man I am so grateful for the letters that I got from Serenity Seekers and others in the program and the reading material they sent. I felt very love and connected.

It snowed here maybe 1 foot plus so there isn't any dust (there will be mud though but I will worry about that when it comes). Here the local villagers will go through our trash and fight over who gets to go through it even if it is still on fire(we burn trash here not very ECO friendly I know) We all live such a pampered life. The other day a guy was wearing sandals in the snow and warming his feet on the exhaust of his motorcycle. So I'm grateful for socks and shoes.

I'm grateful for an awesome strong family that puts up with my crazy life and all of my imperfections. Even when I'm Away they are constantly in most every thought I have and it makes life a little better.

There isn't a day that goes by that I am so happy to be sober and out of the rut of addiction that was such a dark place and the contrast I feel now is so awesome. Thank you Leslie for starting this again. I need it and want it so bad so kudos to you for giving me a tool that helps me in my own path of sobriety and gratitude. I think you help me more than you will ever realize. I hope all is well take care. Should be home for the Birth of a son on March 25th and that is the last thing that I will say I'm grateful for today. Love Jon 

I will be waiting for this tomorrow and everyday that I can get online.
 1 Feb 2012
Today it isn't as cold as it has been and we got to go to a village not far from here and it was really nice. The mountains around it were really jagged and sloped into the valley. It was a muddy drive and the whole time I was wondering how these people got their cars around this time of year. Then I saw everyone riding donkeys. Sooo I am glad I don't have to ride donkeys to get around and that we have paved roads. There are so many times during the day that I get a chance to laugh and I am really glad that happens. I am glad stress doesn't get to me as much as it has in the past and that I can look beyond my situation and see all the good in this world. I know if dwell to much on the bad it can be crippling and its nice to be aware of that. A joke between friends can change the course of a day and I'm glad to be here with a few guys that have a good sense of humor. I'm grateful for every ones list because that too help change the attitude for the day. Its just so nice to see others having success in the program and that I can share how freeing it is to be out of all the BS that comes from substance abuse. Thanks to all have a great day.
 2 Feb 2012
I look forward to these lists everyday sort of a meditation to some degree. I know it can be hard to see in an email how sincere I am that I really truly look forward to reading all of these list. It helps me get out of myself which is hard to do sometimes. Today was very stressful nothing to big just a long drive through narrow mountain roads and it started snowing and getting slick and muddy. The guy driving slid off the road and we almost rolled. We had to spend the next hour or so getting the truck out. It was dark and cold and I was mad at the guy driving who I had told to"stop hugging the left side of the road". I yelled at him as we slid off the road and I may or may not have called him a "dumb ass". Not really sure though. When I started reading all the list I was still stressed from the drive and I felt guilty for yelling at the guy driving because the conditions were bad plus hes just a young guy from Arizona probably not driven in snow and mud much. It all went away after reading the first list and my head is now in a better place where I'm just thinking about how much I love my family and how cool it is that my wife and I are about to have another baby boy. (she tells me he is so active in the womb that it keeps here up at night) I'm so glad to bring him into a sober house. I may not be the best parent but I'm so much better than I would be if I was still using and boozing. I'm so glad that I am now able to apologize to people and say "hey man this is what I did and you didn't deserve that so I will try to do better." Its cool I used to blame everyone else like "its your fault I'm such an asshole" or "its his fault I got so drunk". Life is so much easier when I own my faults and see them. I like to think I see myself for who I am  and who I can become, if I keep doing the work. I am so grateful for this program that is helping me do this and be more aware. These lists are one of the closest things I have to a meeting out here so it is such a boost for me and my sobriety. I hope it does the same for you guys thanks again Jon
4 Feb 2012

Its a nice warm morning (around 32) so for this place lately that is awesome. Its a Saturday here and usually we work everyday (makes the days go by faster) but we are taking half the day off so I don't have anything to do until after lunch. Its so nice to have a good relationship with my wife and kids because they are in my thoughts 90% of the time and they are good thoughts. I'm so glad that today will more than likely be another day sober and yesterday was another sober day. I really stopped counting a while ago, not because the number got so hi its just that today I'm sober because that's what is best for every aspect of my life. I'm glad that I'm alive and that I have a job that allows my wife to to stay home and raise our children. I'm grateful for everyone's taking time to write their lists. Funny thing that reminds me of how self-centered I can be. I imagine everyone through out the day saying "oh I need to get my list done so Jon can read it". It does help while I'm here away from my support group. Time really seems to be moving fast now though and I have 51 days until I will be home unfortunately it will only be for 2 weeks but I try not to think of that too much.Here is an article I read and it must have been written by an addict or someone who understands anyways. Enjoy
http://sports.yahoo.com/mlb/news?slug=jp-passan_josh_hamilton_suffers_relapse_020212

 5 Feb 2012

1 that i got a bunch of pictures from my family that were really cute.

2. That try to solve all of my problems now (both with and without success) and not hide from them

3.That I feel OK today.

4. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EOAcRKZxjy4

This video make me almost cry ( I'm to tough to really cry) and I'm so glad people like this lay it all out and share their sobriety.

5. That i take care of my spiritual life and i have a relationship with god

6. That I've had the same sponsor the whole time I've been sober and it is still working even though I'm half a world away. Even though he doesn't write his gratitude list as often as he should. (Joke) Thanks for everything DD

7. Never mind I'm totally crying now because I'm listening to the video above while writing this.

8. That I am not totally motivated by fear.

9. That I'm alive and truly living life and sharing it with my family and friends

7 Feb 2012

Ya man Life does show up as it tends to do both good and bad.

I talked to my wife today and she starts off with "This has been the worst day ever" She had a doctors appointment that day so first off I thought something was wrong with the baby but that turned out fine (baby Greyson is just where he should be). Our dog Molly, who was a little hyper but extremely loving had died. Really sucks and that my wife had to be the one to find her. Lucky for me we have awesome neighbors who took care of everything for her before the kids got home from school. I am so grateful for the good in people. Its so hard to see it some times. We have these neighbors next to us that we really don't know to well (they seem nice but we don't talk much).They were so nice to my wife and took care of the remains of our beautiful Pit Bull. Tragedy can bring out the best in people and we were able to see how awesome our neighbors can be and we didn't even know we lived next to such good people.

Crazy thing is I was just watching the video "Last Moments With Odin" on youtube the other day. For those of you who haven't seen it, a guy who was in recovery talks about how his dog "taught him how to Love". His dog had cancer and he had to put him down. It was such a cool concept though that he learned so much from the most humble of creatures.

When we got Molly we almost named her Odin because the video was so touching to my wife and I. We had adopted her and the people that had her before had named her molly so we stuck with it. It was so fun to watch Madison our youngest daughter hug her around the neck and Molly would just push in closer wanting all the love and attention she could get. She did look like she could be a crazy Pit Bull that could maybe eat Madison if she wanted to but all she wanted was more love. 

This has been a sad day but I am so glad there is good in it too. I do feel better now knowing that my wife has people right next door that she can rely on that are good people. We have a ton of people that are ready and willing to help but when they live 20 feet away its very comforting for me being so far away. Take care all.8 Feb 2012

so sometimes I have more time than others so I will look up "comedians on recovery or Alcoholism" on youtube so here is the the one for today

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kI-BhQGwDO8

Its funny stuff. The guy truly tells my story as I'm sure he will tell yours too.

I am glad I can laugh at my problems now that is so nice. I am glad I can share what works here and with others and that I get that back too from others.

I am so glad I have such a great family. I think one of the hardest things in the world is mixing a family such as being a step parent and dealing with all of that but for me and I hope it the same for my family but we think its easy for us. Either we are that cool and easy going or we are that blessed. I think it s the latter of the two. Most of my gratitude everyday is directed towards my family and God for allowing me to have them in my life. I am grateful for the program which has allowed me to keep my family. I am so glad I still have a job. Even though I cant drive now I'm glad I will have my drivers license back after this deployment. I am so glad god has given me a great life. I would say I am glad God gave me my life back but he gave me a better one. Thanks for the lists have a great day.
 11 Feb 2012

My wife went to my old home group yesterday and it really reminded me how cool it is to have my family so involved in my AA family. My wife, who isn't an alcoholic, has been to many meetings with me and I usually would take my kids to the Friday night meetings in Steilacoom but only when they wanted to go. I am so lucky to have that support and understanding from them.

Today has been a good day and it has been so easy to be grateful. Nothing new or crazy has happened it just feels nice and simple. It did snow this morning and I cant believe how much moisture we have gotten here. This is a place of extremes. I am actually in a really cool little valley. There are about 5 trees total so a little different that Washington but the cool thing is since there isn't very much vegetation its easy to see the way the earth was bent and twisted to make the mountains around us. The moon was full last night and its really visible with the illumination from the moon for what ever reason. The moon is so bright that its easy to walk without a flashlight or night vision. Its been nice to be able to see and enjoy the little things and not focus on the things that I am missing while out here. Thanks again for all the list take care all Jon
 12 Feb 2012

1. The thing about doing this list ,and doing it everyday, that help me that most is that trough out the day I am looking for things to share here. Real things that bring meaning to what I want to express.

2. So for today there is nothing..... Joke. Most of our meals here are well they are just OK so when there is a good meal its a nice treat, lunch today was that nice meal.

3. I got a good email from an old friend and it was really nice to catch up.

4. The medic that is here at our site has a mother that is an alcoholic so we chat about this from time to time.This all came up when he asked me what all my allergies were and I told him "alcohol makes me break out in handcuffs" (not my joke, I stole it from a guy at a meeting) Then I told him that it would be really bad though if he every gave me an opiate because I have heard about a lot of people relapsing with alcohol when taking a prescribed opiate. I just told him I'd rather have physical pain than the emotional pain of quitting again. It has always been good to talk to him when we have a life giving conversation about the diseases of addiction. We had a good talk today about Whitney Houston. It was a life giving conversation about her and how talented she was and how its just a tragedy all around. It was a good conversation and it reminded me that I don't have to find another addict to share the AA message.

5. Always sobriety and family. I am so grateful for both and they do go hand in hand in my life. It is one of Gods greatest gifts that I get to share the one with the other. Either gift would not be near as sweet without the other.

That's about it for today.

Man Leslie look at how big this has become. It is bigger than most meetings. Great idea man. Take care everyone and thank for sharing your sobriety with me.

These are the one from another service member

Gratitude:

1.  For Saturday morning meet w/sponsor doing it for almost 4 years every Saturday.  Have learned so much just by staying in this conversation.

2.  For Eggs and rice my morning breakfast every morning.

3.  For coffee good hot cup always hit the spot.

4.  The Northwest on nice days.

5.  Friends who are actual friends who tell me the truth and do not want anything from me.

6.  Honesty being able to be honest most of time. 

7.  Past relationships to teach me what my ideal partner would be.  Now its just a matter of being in position to be able to have her in my life.

8.  To keeping my word and making amends at least to start too..

9.  To be able to have somebody get into my face and for me not to react with violence or without any anger and the situation to defuse because of calmness and pausing.

10.  All of you on my list keep sending them I am keeping all of them in my folder plan too for a year or so.

For those people who are wondering who I am and why your a receiving a gratitude list from a stranger.  I think and believe that if your in AA or any 12 step program we are almost all the same.  At least we have similarities when it comes to this disease that have ravished our lives and destroyed many things.  Before I did not have many things I was grateful.  Because I was so wrapped up into me and my disease of alcoholism to be grateful for anything.  Now I can write a list of about thousand things if I made the time to do so.  Instead I will write a list of about ten things that I am grateful today and right this second that pop into my head.

1.  To be in the Army and serve my country for 18 years.  Giving me a chance to grow-up and supply the discipline enough to keep me going.

2.  To have a sponsor who knows me well enough to not be surprised by the dumb things I get myself into.  I know he laughs inside all the damn time at me.

3.   To work at the Warrior Transition Battalion my purpose talking with men and woman who are soldiers suffering from combat or life mentally and physically.

4.  To be in AA something bigger and more amazing then I could have ever imagined before coming involved with it.

5.  Love....of friends and family.

6.  Having two amazing kids that actually love me.  Even when I am selfish they still love me.

7.  That I have food in my Frig and a little money in my bank and I am rebuilding my credit enough to be able to buy home.  My next big thing.

8.  To have a drive to better myself, and to be in this conversation of life.

9.  To have God in my life that helps me see what is importance and that allows me to mess up and occasional learn from my mistakes.  That I can see where I screw up sometimes if it is painful enough.

10.  To go on Autopilot crash and burn to have God work through friends to help me see my errors.  We will see how this one turns out.  Hopefully the landing will not be too bad...