Greasy Shoes

I was a Boy Scout in a small town while I was growing up. We had a man come talk to my scout troop about drug addiction as part of the scouting program. This man had been some sort of a doctor, I think, I don’t remember all the details but he ended up homeless due to drugs and alcohol. I had never heard of Skid Row other than the popular Heavy Metal band at the time. He had lived on Skid Row, a homeless drug addicted alcoholic. ( I don’t remember any of the details that got him there)  Every morning he would walk to a employment office to work for the day so he could drink that night. On the way to the office he would rummage through trash cans and dumpsters, not looking for food but looking grease or lard to shine his shoes with.  The rest of his walk he could look down at his shoes and then  focus on the fact that he had shinny shoes and forget that the rest of his life was very “Unmanageable”.
Not to long ago I had very much felt that way. My “Shinny Shoes” was Alcohol. The rest of my life could be in shambles but as long as I could go home and drink I could make it through the day. I would do the very minimal at work with my unit, I’d do just enough to stay out of trouble. That was my plan anyways. Alcoholism is very much a progressive disease and my disease did progress to the point that I did get in trouble with the Military and the State.
Shortly after getting in trouble I was command directed into treatment. I thought I’d pay my dues with a counselor and go to a few AA meetings but “I had this on my own”. I am disciplined  …… Right. “Surrender My ASS” This cant be that hard just “Don’t Drink”. I lied to my counselor about how much and how often I drank so I wouldn’t have a long treatment program. I lied to myself about how much I was truly struggling with my resolve to stop drinking. I did enjoy the meetings but “I guess you haven’t seen my Bench Press. Powerless that was true B.S.”. I relapsed shortly after starting treatment. I had a lesson on what Surrender and Powerless truly meant. I couldn’t “out run” this problem. I couldn’t spend more time in the gym to avoid this addiction. I couldn’t wrestle it, shoot it, yell at it or ignore it. Asking for help for something that should have been so easy to handle on my own was very weird and awkward for me. Then after asking someone for their help and applying what he asked me to do was equally as difficult. I made slow progress but one day at a time I learned to apply the 12 steps in my life. The crazy thing is that I felt like life got better as cleaned up my wreckage. Life really didn’t get better but I did, along with my attitude and beliefs.
I am so thankful I did finally have some very real consequences. I am so thankful for the pain that magnified the true problems in my life. The biggest problem was my desire or obsession to drown every feeling with alcohol. If I was happy I wanted to be happier and a drink would make that happen. If I was sad I would drink to avoid that pain. While I was drinking I was more social, I was nicer and most of all I was more comfortable in my own skin.
Today I have been clean and sober long enough to be comfortable with myself. If I have an emotion that I am having trouble dealing with I can talk to a close friend in recovery who helps me see my problems for what they are and these friends help me find real solutions. I try to do the same for others too and this program has really given me true peace and happiness. I am truly grateful that I don’t have to focus on the “Grease on My Shoes” to get through the day.
If you are struggling with drug and alcohol addiction there is help if you ask and are willing to be truly open and honest. It really can work and you will get better. I have been very fortunate to see it in myself and others. Recovery has been a real anventure.