2-23

Just a good day today. Weather is getting better so the mud is slowly going away. I will miss the exercise of moving around with 10 pounds of clay attached to each boot but I guess all good things have to come to an end even mud. We went to a local village today and as usual we were swarmed by the kids. Even though I don't know what they are saying other than "give me water" or "give me candy" but today it was "give me Radio". (we give out hand crank solar powered radios and the local radio station has a reading class every night so we give out books that go along with the program) The kids weren't any different from my own or kids in the US. They were all very curious and wanted to laugh and play. Life is so different for them but the core of who they are seems to be the same world wide. It was fun to see and made me miss my family.

I still love and am grateful for the support my family gives me. The support is for whatever I'm doing and my life is a little on the crazy side. Not as crazy as it has been in the past so I am happy about that. Some days are easier than others and today was a nice day. I got to take a nap so that was good even though it was short. That's about it for today Thanks for all the lists its been good to read and see the program work. Jon

 

Feb 20

Today I am thankful for

1. Sobriety and Family. I hope my family can feel how much I love them.

2. Its Kylie's birthday today and she is 7. She still is a little girl but time is moving way to fast.

3. I am so lucky to have so many good friends. I had recently finished a room in the garage at the house so my wife sister could live there while I was deployed. My sponsor brought over some slightly used carpet that will work perfectly. I am just grateful for people that look out for my family its awesome.

4. Time to think. The last few days have been really busy so today it has been nice to have a few conversations that had nothing to do with nothing other than a good conversation.

5. I got to really read a lot of the different lists and see what people are up to. It was fun to get a glimpse into some of your lives and see what the program has done for you. 

That's about it for now Thanks again to all who write. I know its good for me and I hope it does the same for you. Have a great sober day

Feb 16

Things just seem to be going smooth. I still get caught up in my head from time to time but I get out of it a lot faster than I ever have before. This is due to a lot of things that the program and people in the program have taught me. I am love new music. European folk music has been the music of choice lately (Mumford and sons) I had a good night sleep and that was nice. My sleep gets broken up for many reasons like I have a guard shift every night and if a door slams to loud then that can wake me up if I confuse it for a gunshot or something of the sort but sleep was good last night. I got to go out to shoot at the range today so that was also fun. I enjoy the comradely with all the other soldiers. Don't get me wrong there can be some down right catty drama from time to time but we all get some huge belly laughs at each other and that does out weigh the bad. As always I am so grateful for my family and my sobriety. My family is always one of those good thoughts that keep me out of the BS that can float around in my head. They make life so much better and even though I miss them I am so gratful for the life that we have built. It's the coolest. Take care and enjoy a sober day Jon

13 Feb

Today I have been reminded how strong fear can be. If you have seen the news I'm sure you have seen all of the budget cuts that our government is making. This includes the army. One way they have decided to cut back on spending is by cutting personnel. This is done by only allowing a small number to re-enlist. If a soldier has had any drug or alcohol problems then he won't be able to re-enlist or so I am told (I have 2 DUI's that I am grateful for). This idea or thought has made my head a terrible place to be today. With that though I have had small things that have pulled me out.

1. It has been frustrating at times how long it takes mail to get here and they also loose a lot of stuff so when my wife sent a Valentines package a few weeks ago we were frustrated with how long it had taken to get here. Guess when it showed up! It was full of pictures from the kids and it was a awesome reminder of what is most important. Jobs can come and go but I need my family to stay the same.

2. Today was a reminder of how unhealthy I still am and I see how I still need to work the program because I was in a negative place for a while. This was all over  something that may or may not happen (sponsor calls it Future F%&*#ing) and yes I still struggle with it even after all the work he put into getting me out of it.

3.Having this small short challenge just really motivates me more. This does suck to have to worry about a job right now and I truly have no idea what I will do for work (still have 20 months on this enlistment). I do know what not to do though. I do know how to make this situation even worse.

4. I still have sobriety and with that comes so much more opportunity than I would have if I continued in my addiction

5. I am so lucky that this is all I have to deal with because I could be dealing with vehicular manslaughter or kidney failure or other things that have happened to others because of addiction.

6. This program is such a gift, I can still feel worry and fear in the back of my head but it is surrounded by motivation and the love of my family both AA and biological. These good things will eventually push out the bad and I will be in a happier place it will just take some work.

7. I am so lucky to have 20 months to work on this and have several plans that may or may not work but this is far from a full blown tragedy.

8. My wife wants me to get out anyways so maybe this is god answering her prayer. (I hope she stops praying for this and just prays we will win the lottery..... you know something good)

9. I think I am almost out of my head and most of the progress was done while writing this list. I have a calm feeling that everything will be fine. (This took a large bottle of what ever was cheap to achieve this and now I won't have the hangover too)

Thanks to all for listening or reading my rant hope it wasn't to hard to follow. Have a wonderful sober day. Jon
Her are some lists from another SM

I am grateful today:

1. Kids

2.  Being in conversation about life using the steps to bring back a mother to her and my kids.  Praying before talking with my ex wife asking God to direct my conversation to bring credit to him/her and not making it about my pain or the pain I caused her.  Not making anybody wrong, and telling the truth.  A victory--been 6 months since she talked to her children and over a year since seeing her children when she lives 20 Min's away.  Guilt can paralysis people from doing whats right.

3.  Friends

4.  Going to Flimsy Reed and seeing people still doing this thing after three years meeting going from 10-15 to 100-150 people. 

5.  Sensations

6.  The sensation of smell had an Orange today that was so amazing to smell.  To be able to see the beauty in life with nature and with people. 

7.   Love

8.  Being in a loving relationship with friends, partners or family.  To love strangers because that is what somebody did for me.  To love and forgive my neighbors.  To love people who tell me the truth even when the truth sucks.

9.  Knowledge

10.  To know that I really know very little.  To be willing to share what little I know.  Knowledge is only valuable if it is shared.

So its been a long time

I am out of the states and it has been really hard to get to a meeting... well impossible. Thanks to some good friends in the program I have been able to keep in the conversation of recovery and sobriety. I make a daily gratitude list that I have decided to post here. This is a backlog of just a few. It wont be everyday that I get to post but maybe every week and I will try to post more than just my own (my list can get rather redundant) This is the first email to a friend that had just come back from a hard week and builds from there.

30 Jan 2012

Efing Awesome not only smile but a little teary eyed bro. Don't make me cry it makes me feel like a pussy. Plus there are people sitting at computers on both sides of me right now. This probably is common here though. Welcome back man I am so glad your here and in a better place. God can do such awesome things when we let him.

Man I am so grateful for the letters that I got from Serenity Seekers and others in the program and the reading material they sent. I felt very love and connected.

It snowed here maybe 1 foot plus so there isn't any dust (there will be mud though but I will worry about that when it comes). Here the local villagers will go through our trash and fight over who gets to go through it even if it is still on fire(we burn trash here not very ECO friendly I know) We all live such a pampered life. The other day a guy was wearing sandals in the snow and warming his feet on the exhaust of his motorcycle. So I'm grateful for socks and shoes.

I'm grateful for an awesome strong family that puts up with my crazy life and all of my imperfections. Even when I'm Away they are constantly in most every thought I have and it makes life a little better.

There isn't a day that goes by that I am so happy to be sober and out of the rut of addiction that was such a dark place and the contrast I feel now is so awesome. Thank you Leslie for starting this again. I need it and want it so bad so kudos to you for giving me a tool that helps me in my own path of sobriety and gratitude. I think you help me more than you will ever realize. I hope all is well take care. Should be home for the Birth of a son on March 25th and that is the last thing that I will say I'm grateful for today. Love Jon 

I will be waiting for this tomorrow and everyday that I can get online.
 1 Feb 2012
Today it isn't as cold as it has been and we got to go to a village not far from here and it was really nice. The mountains around it were really jagged and sloped into the valley. It was a muddy drive and the whole time I was wondering how these people got their cars around this time of year. Then I saw everyone riding donkeys. Sooo I am glad I don't have to ride donkeys to get around and that we have paved roads. There are so many times during the day that I get a chance to laugh and I am really glad that happens. I am glad stress doesn't get to me as much as it has in the past and that I can look beyond my situation and see all the good in this world. I know if dwell to much on the bad it can be crippling and its nice to be aware of that. A joke between friends can change the course of a day and I'm glad to be here with a few guys that have a good sense of humor. I'm grateful for every ones list because that too help change the attitude for the day. Its just so nice to see others having success in the program and that I can share how freeing it is to be out of all the BS that comes from substance abuse. Thanks to all have a great day.
 2 Feb 2012
I look forward to these lists everyday sort of a meditation to some degree. I know it can be hard to see in an email how sincere I am that I really truly look forward to reading all of these list. It helps me get out of myself which is hard to do sometimes. Today was very stressful nothing to big just a long drive through narrow mountain roads and it started snowing and getting slick and muddy. The guy driving slid off the road and we almost rolled. We had to spend the next hour or so getting the truck out. It was dark and cold and I was mad at the guy driving who I had told to"stop hugging the left side of the road". I yelled at him as we slid off the road and I may or may not have called him a "dumb ass". Not really sure though. When I started reading all the list I was still stressed from the drive and I felt guilty for yelling at the guy driving because the conditions were bad plus hes just a young guy from Arizona probably not driven in snow and mud much. It all went away after reading the first list and my head is now in a better place where I'm just thinking about how much I love my family and how cool it is that my wife and I are about to have another baby boy. (she tells me he is so active in the womb that it keeps here up at night) I'm so glad to bring him into a sober house. I may not be the best parent but I'm so much better than I would be if I was still using and boozing. I'm so glad that I am now able to apologize to people and say "hey man this is what I did and you didn't deserve that so I will try to do better." Its cool I used to blame everyone else like "its your fault I'm such an asshole" or "its his fault I got so drunk". Life is so much easier when I own my faults and see them. I like to think I see myself for who I am  and who I can become, if I keep doing the work. I am so grateful for this program that is helping me do this and be more aware. These lists are one of the closest things I have to a meeting out here so it is such a boost for me and my sobriety. I hope it does the same for you guys thanks again Jon
4 Feb 2012

Its a nice warm morning (around 32) so for this place lately that is awesome. Its a Saturday here and usually we work everyday (makes the days go by faster) but we are taking half the day off so I don't have anything to do until after lunch. Its so nice to have a good relationship with my wife and kids because they are in my thoughts 90% of the time and they are good thoughts. I'm so glad that today will more than likely be another day sober and yesterday was another sober day. I really stopped counting a while ago, not because the number got so hi its just that today I'm sober because that's what is best for every aspect of my life. I'm glad that I'm alive and that I have a job that allows my wife to to stay home and raise our children. I'm grateful for everyone's taking time to write their lists. Funny thing that reminds me of how self-centered I can be. I imagine everyone through out the day saying "oh I need to get my list done so Jon can read it". It does help while I'm here away from my support group. Time really seems to be moving fast now though and I have 51 days until I will be home unfortunately it will only be for 2 weeks but I try not to think of that too much.Here is an article I read and it must have been written by an addict or someone who understands anyways. Enjoy
http://sports.yahoo.com/mlb/news?slug=jp-passan_josh_hamilton_suffers_relapse_020212

 5 Feb 2012

1 that i got a bunch of pictures from my family that were really cute.

2. That try to solve all of my problems now (both with and without success) and not hide from them

3.That I feel OK today.

4. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EOAcRKZxjy4

This video make me almost cry ( I'm to tough to really cry) and I'm so glad people like this lay it all out and share their sobriety.

5. That i take care of my spiritual life and i have a relationship with god

6. That I've had the same sponsor the whole time I've been sober and it is still working even though I'm half a world away. Even though he doesn't write his gratitude list as often as he should. (Joke) Thanks for everything DD

7. Never mind I'm totally crying now because I'm listening to the video above while writing this.

8. That I am not totally motivated by fear.

9. That I'm alive and truly living life and sharing it with my family and friends

7 Feb 2012

Ya man Life does show up as it tends to do both good and bad.

I talked to my wife today and she starts off with "This has been the worst day ever" She had a doctors appointment that day so first off I thought something was wrong with the baby but that turned out fine (baby Greyson is just where he should be). Our dog Molly, who was a little hyper but extremely loving had died. Really sucks and that my wife had to be the one to find her. Lucky for me we have awesome neighbors who took care of everything for her before the kids got home from school. I am so grateful for the good in people. Its so hard to see it some times. We have these neighbors next to us that we really don't know to well (they seem nice but we don't talk much).They were so nice to my wife and took care of the remains of our beautiful Pit Bull. Tragedy can bring out the best in people and we were able to see how awesome our neighbors can be and we didn't even know we lived next to such good people.

Crazy thing is I was just watching the video "Last Moments With Odin" on youtube the other day. For those of you who haven't seen it, a guy who was in recovery talks about how his dog "taught him how to Love". His dog had cancer and he had to put him down. It was such a cool concept though that he learned so much from the most humble of creatures.

When we got Molly we almost named her Odin because the video was so touching to my wife and I. We had adopted her and the people that had her before had named her molly so we stuck with it. It was so fun to watch Madison our youngest daughter hug her around the neck and Molly would just push in closer wanting all the love and attention she could get. She did look like she could be a crazy Pit Bull that could maybe eat Madison if she wanted to but all she wanted was more love. 

This has been a sad day but I am so glad there is good in it too. I do feel better now knowing that my wife has people right next door that she can rely on that are good people. We have a ton of people that are ready and willing to help but when they live 20 feet away its very comforting for me being so far away. Take care all.8 Feb 2012

so sometimes I have more time than others so I will look up "comedians on recovery or Alcoholism" on youtube so here is the the one for today

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kI-BhQGwDO8

Its funny stuff. The guy truly tells my story as I'm sure he will tell yours too.

I am glad I can laugh at my problems now that is so nice. I am glad I can share what works here and with others and that I get that back too from others.

I am so glad I have such a great family. I think one of the hardest things in the world is mixing a family such as being a step parent and dealing with all of that but for me and I hope it the same for my family but we think its easy for us. Either we are that cool and easy going or we are that blessed. I think it s the latter of the two. Most of my gratitude everyday is directed towards my family and God for allowing me to have them in my life. I am grateful for the program which has allowed me to keep my family. I am so glad I still have a job. Even though I cant drive now I'm glad I will have my drivers license back after this deployment. I am so glad god has given me a great life. I would say I am glad God gave me my life back but he gave me a better one. Thanks for the lists have a great day.
 11 Feb 2012

My wife went to my old home group yesterday and it really reminded me how cool it is to have my family so involved in my AA family. My wife, who isn't an alcoholic, has been to many meetings with me and I usually would take my kids to the Friday night meetings in Steilacoom but only when they wanted to go. I am so lucky to have that support and understanding from them.

Today has been a good day and it has been so easy to be grateful. Nothing new or crazy has happened it just feels nice and simple. It did snow this morning and I cant believe how much moisture we have gotten here. This is a place of extremes. I am actually in a really cool little valley. There are about 5 trees total so a little different that Washington but the cool thing is since there isn't very much vegetation its easy to see the way the earth was bent and twisted to make the mountains around us. The moon was full last night and its really visible with the illumination from the moon for what ever reason. The moon is so bright that its easy to walk without a flashlight or night vision. Its been nice to be able to see and enjoy the little things and not focus on the things that I am missing while out here. Thanks again for all the list take care all Jon
 12 Feb 2012

1. The thing about doing this list ,and doing it everyday, that help me that most is that trough out the day I am looking for things to share here. Real things that bring meaning to what I want to express.

2. So for today there is nothing..... Joke. Most of our meals here are well they are just OK so when there is a good meal its a nice treat, lunch today was that nice meal.

3. I got a good email from an old friend and it was really nice to catch up.

4. The medic that is here at our site has a mother that is an alcoholic so we chat about this from time to time.This all came up when he asked me what all my allergies were and I told him "alcohol makes me break out in handcuffs" (not my joke, I stole it from a guy at a meeting) Then I told him that it would be really bad though if he every gave me an opiate because I have heard about a lot of people relapsing with alcohol when taking a prescribed opiate. I just told him I'd rather have physical pain than the emotional pain of quitting again. It has always been good to talk to him when we have a life giving conversation about the diseases of addiction. We had a good talk today about Whitney Houston. It was a life giving conversation about her and how talented she was and how its just a tragedy all around. It was a good conversation and it reminded me that I don't have to find another addict to share the AA message.

5. Always sobriety and family. I am so grateful for both and they do go hand in hand in my life. It is one of Gods greatest gifts that I get to share the one with the other. Either gift would not be near as sweet without the other.

That's about it for today.

Man Leslie look at how big this has become. It is bigger than most meetings. Great idea man. Take care everyone and thank for sharing your sobriety with me.

These are the one from another service member

Gratitude:

1.  For Saturday morning meet w/sponsor doing it for almost 4 years every Saturday.  Have learned so much just by staying in this conversation.

2.  For Eggs and rice my morning breakfast every morning.

3.  For coffee good hot cup always hit the spot.

4.  The Northwest on nice days.

5.  Friends who are actual friends who tell me the truth and do not want anything from me.

6.  Honesty being able to be honest most of time. 

7.  Past relationships to teach me what my ideal partner would be.  Now its just a matter of being in position to be able to have her in my life.

8.  To keeping my word and making amends at least to start too..

9.  To be able to have somebody get into my face and for me not to react with violence or without any anger and the situation to defuse because of calmness and pausing.

10.  All of you on my list keep sending them I am keeping all of them in my folder plan too for a year or so.

For those people who are wondering who I am and why your a receiving a gratitude list from a stranger.  I think and believe that if your in AA or any 12 step program we are almost all the same.  At least we have similarities when it comes to this disease that have ravished our lives and destroyed many things.  Before I did not have many things I was grateful.  Because I was so wrapped up into me and my disease of alcoholism to be grateful for anything.  Now I can write a list of about thousand things if I made the time to do so.  Instead I will write a list of about ten things that I am grateful today and right this second that pop into my head.

1.  To be in the Army and serve my country for 18 years.  Giving me a chance to grow-up and supply the discipline enough to keep me going.

2.  To have a sponsor who knows me well enough to not be surprised by the dumb things I get myself into.  I know he laughs inside all the damn time at me.

3.   To work at the Warrior Transition Battalion my purpose talking with men and woman who are soldiers suffering from combat or life mentally and physically.

4.  To be in AA something bigger and more amazing then I could have ever imagined before coming involved with it.

5.  Love....of friends and family.

6.  Having two amazing kids that actually love me.  Even when I am selfish they still love me.

7.  That I have food in my Frig and a little money in my bank and I am rebuilding my credit enough to be able to buy home.  My next big thing.

8.  To have a drive to better myself, and to be in this conversation of life.

9.  To have God in my life that helps me see what is importance and that allows me to mess up and occasional learn from my mistakes.  That I can see where I screw up sometimes if it is painful enough.

10.  To go on Autopilot crash and burn to have God work through friends to help me see my errors.  We will see how this one turns out.  Hopefully the landing will not be too bad...

I almost missed it.

       So I had this thought on Fathers Day and I tried to talk about it at a meeting but I got too choked up. I hate doing that plus I’m not a “good crier” because when I get emotional my words are hard to understand, my eyes turn red and I might slobber a bit, so when I feel that lump in my throat coming on I usually abruptly end what I was trying to share to keep my dignity. Yes I know most people don’t care but I still do care. I may one day get over this but since I don’t have to worry about that on paper I would like to share it now with everyone over the World Wide Web.

    When it comes to fatherhood and having children I still feel very much like a kid playing house. When I was younger I had an older cousin who would force my brothers and I to play “House“. We all acted like we didn’t like it and she would chase us around the house. It was all very fun and it really wasn’t a game of House as much as it was a game of Chase. I still feel that way from time to time. (yes my wife may read this and no she isn’t metaphorically my older cousin chasing me forcing me to be a father) Really the part where my cousin would tell me “OK you pretend to do this and I will pretend to do that“. I still feel like a kid who is trying all these different scenarios to make something out of it all. Fatherhood is still very hard. Most of the time I don’t know what one of my children need or what they are trying to convey to me. Not that I  really know that about myself either.
    My path to fatherhood came when I got married and my wife had some children from a previous marriage. Even with all my character defects she would choose to share her life with me is still a mystery, yes I know its crazy. She’s hot too and I‘m kind of average. I just assumed that if I wasn’t drinking that I would be a good father. I would know what to do in every situation like Ward Cleaver and the kids would come to me with an apology every time they did something bad. I would never loose my temper and I would always know exactly what to do and say.
    Well being a father has turned out to be one of the most tricky and difficult things I have ever endeavored. With other soldiers I can scream and yell all I want but I have to use a whole other approach that does not come naturally. My kids don’t always come to me with an apology when they have done something wrong. I rarely know exactly what to do when it comes to discipline.
    The good thing is though my wife tells me I’m doing good. The kids grandparents say the kids are adjusting well and seem to be happy. I really don’t think this is because I’m doing all the right things. What I do believe is that the majority of all ,what seems to be success, is just due to the fact that I haven’t been drinking because that is the only thing I know I have done right. I hear people say all the time that “drinking was only a small part of the problem.” I am undecided. Life has been so much easier since I stopped drinking. Life is still hard but I feel so much more free and complete and fulfilled.  Not drinking has blessed every relationship in my life, even the relationships with my old drinking buddies. I have found a life I had only guessed at. I would like to share what my stepson wrote to me the other day.

Dear Papa
Thank you for all the stuff you do for our family. Thank you for going on trips without complaining. And I’m not saying I’m glad your gone. Thank you for being a good dad. No son could have a better Papa.

 Truly I’m not a good dad. I’m an OK dad. I try though. Being a father has been one of the things that has been very unexpected but a true blessing. I almost missed it. I was almost to drunk and stuck in my addiction to be blessed with a family. Had I been a parent and still been drinking that letter would have been very different or never even have been written. I would have missed it all and it would have been for a drink.

Don’t Medicate the Moment

I figure I’m in the business of keeping people alive or keeping them from living.  At least I feel that way about the job I have in the military. My view and my opinion of things like my life and being in the military are always evolving so I may read this in the coming years and think “well that was a jacked up way of looking at things, they aren’t that way at all“. For now though it seems everything I do both while deployed and while training , has to do with keeping my buddy alive and eliminating the enemy. It has been a hard intense way to live and at one point I used drugs and alcohol to cover up feelings of stress, loss, disappointment and on and on. For a while I thought I may have depression so I figured I was “self medicating” because that’s what everyone does?  I think drugs and alcohol are one of the strangest things in life because if I were to weigh out my options and write out on paper the good and bad things of  using ,  the right answer would be very clear.  For instance Alcohol :
1. Tastes bad
2. Hard on your insides(liver, Kidneys, pancreas, heart etc)
3. Expensive
4. Kills brain cells
Just to list a few. But I have been so drawn to the stuff for 20 years now. Drugs and alcohol have made my already hard and intense military life so much harder.  Just like every other story out there one fine day everything came to a head and as clear as anything has ever been, I could see that my addiction was destroying my life. Loosing my friend (drugs and alcohol) was so painful for me but it was a friend that had to go. I am so grateful for the pain that brought me to realize what was killing me.  When I was using I didn’t feel all the bad feelings in my life but what I didn’t realize that while I was medicating the bad moments in my life I wasn’t feeling the good moments in my life either. 
It took about a year for my brain and body to detox and today I deal with the bad feelings in life through the help of a sponsor, meetings and true friendship. I now feel love, kindness and happiness on a regular basis because I don’t  use. It has been such a freeing experience to put everything  that goes on in my head in its proper place.  Life has gotten so much better and it still continues to this day. It is so much easier to deal with the crazy military life  and now I can help others to deal with it too.  The best advice that I have to give now is “Don’t medicate the moments and learn what you can from it”.

Not That I’m Blaming Uncle Sam But….

Life never felt Unmanageable and I think that this is true for most people in the military. I think back to basic training when we had been given impossible tasks such as holding our bags over our head for what seemed to be hours at a time all while being yelled at and called a pussy. That wasn’t unmanageable.
We had to sit through hours of classes and we were forced to hydrate (even though our class was indoors) so I was on the verge of wetting myself so I leaned forward in my chair and peed on the floor because we weren’t due for a break for 30 min and I didn’t what to have wet BDU’s (this is normal right?). Another guy peed in his canteen to avoid the same fate. We laughed about it at the end of the day. This wasn’t unmanageable.
I believe that in some cases when you have the ability to function in pure chaos it is an asset (not in addiction).  When we are under fire we are not expected to say “boy this is unmanageable”. It’s just  not a question and a Can Do Attitude is what works both in training and in combat. This is what we get trained to do and this is what I believe the Military is looking for.
     I think back shortly after basic training on my first combat deployment  when  a 203 round had been lobed into our small camp. One guy had got some shrapnel and our medic was taking care of him. We were still receiving indirect sniper fire. I remember thinking “well this isn’t all that bad”.  I had several more combat type experiences on that deployment and they didn’t ever feel unmanageable. Stressful  but not Unmanageable.
    During my military career I was arrested 3 times for a DUI. This at the time never felt really unmanageable. It was stressful but heck just “rub some dirt on it and call me in the morning”. I don’t know how many times I had my battle buddies cover for me at a morning formation because I was to hammered from the night before to show my face. I don’t know how many piss testes I took that I should have failed. One time I had spent a whole weekend getting high on blow and I showed up to Monday morning formation to find out we had to take a piss test.  I was lucky enough to know a few people and I had a buddy from another unit take my ID card and pissed for me.
    Any normal person could have looked at any one day of my life and see my addiction make 90 percent of my choices, take 90 percent of my money  and ruin 90 percent of my potential. Most normal people would see this as unmanageable but I didn’t see it or I refused to see it. I hear people in meetings say they didn’t see their addiction because they “paid all their bills” and weren’t ever “in trouble“. Well I was in trouble or escaping trouble by the skin of my teeth but hey “I got this, I’ll be fine. Take a knee face out and drink water.” right?
    I was forced into treatment and it was one of my ways to avoid trouble. I didn’t drink or use while I was in treatment ,just so I could get the command off my back. I was planning on hitting it like I never left after treatment and through all of it I would know how to better avoid getting caught.  Funny thing happened when I quit boozing and drugging life got easier and better. Wow what a crazy idea. When I was out drinking I turned into a big two year old child, maybe even a two year old with down syndrome. This child, with a man size body would make my choices for 12 to 48 hours depending on the weekend. This brought a lot of things for me to clean up afterward. Not until I quit drinking, long enough to clean up some of the wreckage that had been building up over the last ten years, did I feel real freedom and contentment with my life.  I think the first thing that happened  while in recovery was that I made a few friends that  brought good things into my life and those friends that were in my life because we shared addiction weren’t hanging around anymore. I started to learn other ways to enjoy life and release stress so the longer I was clean the less I missed drugs and alcohol. This whole “One Day At A Time” thing really worked for me and I learned things one principal at a time and implemented them in my life.
    I am still learning how to live today and I always will be but I learn things a little faster when I’m not suppressing my potential with hard liquor. I have a family now too. Crazy huh . For several reasons . One, that someone would want to be with me, All The Time (sober too) . Two, that someone would want to raise children with me. I don’t have the perfect answer and I don’t know what the best choice is all the time but as long as I’m not using or boozing I just might be OK and life is easier.

Greasy Shoes

I was a Boy Scout in a small town while I was growing up. We had a man come talk to my scout troop about drug addiction as part of the scouting program. This man had been some sort of a doctor, I think, I don’t remember all the details but he ended up homeless due to drugs and alcohol. I had never heard of Skid Row other than the popular Heavy Metal band at the time. He had lived on Skid Row, a homeless drug addicted alcoholic. ( I don’t remember any of the details that got him there)  Every morning he would walk to a employment office to work for the day so he could drink that night. On the way to the office he would rummage through trash cans and dumpsters, not looking for food but looking grease or lard to shine his shoes with.  The rest of his walk he could look down at his shoes and then  focus on the fact that he had shinny shoes and forget that the rest of his life was very “Unmanageable”.
Not to long ago I had very much felt that way. My “Shinny Shoes” was Alcohol. The rest of my life could be in shambles but as long as I could go home and drink I could make it through the day. I would do the very minimal at work with my unit, I’d do just enough to stay out of trouble. That was my plan anyways. Alcoholism is very much a progressive disease and my disease did progress to the point that I did get in trouble with the Military and the State.
Shortly after getting in trouble I was command directed into treatment. I thought I’d pay my dues with a counselor and go to a few AA meetings but “I had this on my own”. I am disciplined  …… Right. “Surrender My ASS” This cant be that hard just “Don’t Drink”. I lied to my counselor about how much and how often I drank so I wouldn’t have a long treatment program. I lied to myself about how much I was truly struggling with my resolve to stop drinking. I did enjoy the meetings but “I guess you haven’t seen my Bench Press. Powerless that was true B.S.”. I relapsed shortly after starting treatment. I had a lesson on what Surrender and Powerless truly meant. I couldn’t “out run” this problem. I couldn’t spend more time in the gym to avoid this addiction. I couldn’t wrestle it, shoot it, yell at it or ignore it. Asking for help for something that should have been so easy to handle on my own was very weird and awkward for me. Then after asking someone for their help and applying what he asked me to do was equally as difficult. I made slow progress but one day at a time I learned to apply the 12 steps in my life. The crazy thing is that I felt like life got better as cleaned up my wreckage. Life really didn’t get better but I did, along with my attitude and beliefs.
I am so thankful I did finally have some very real consequences. I am so thankful for the pain that magnified the true problems in my life. The biggest problem was my desire or obsession to drown every feeling with alcohol. If I was happy I wanted to be happier and a drink would make that happen. If I was sad I would drink to avoid that pain. While I was drinking I was more social, I was nicer and most of all I was more comfortable in my own skin.
Today I have been clean and sober long enough to be comfortable with myself. If I have an emotion that I am having trouble dealing with I can talk to a close friend in recovery who helps me see my problems for what they are and these friends help me find real solutions. I try to do the same for others too and this program has really given me true peace and happiness. I am truly grateful that I don’t have to focus on the “Grease on My Shoes” to get through the day.
If you are struggling with drug and alcohol addiction there is help if you ask and are willing to be truly open and honest. It really can work and you will get better. I have been very fortunate to see it in myself and others. Recovery has been a real anventure.

After the storm passes

  Looking out on to the choppy water I see a boat in the distance that is getting tossed carelessly about over and over again, waves crashing against the side of the boat. As I watch it I start to think to myself;  I wonder if anyone is out there on it, possibly alone and wondering if there is any way that I can help the person who was just possibly enjoying sunshine and calm waters before the storm came, but how could I help? Who could I call? Would they want my help?
  I am the wife of the man who 'Stumbled Home' late one evening with which feelings very relateable to the above. I got the call from my husband whom earlier had been arrested for a DUI and then released to a taxi cab to be brought home but home was not where he ended up. My husbands voice on the other line sounded so far away, so lost, so sad I could just hear the pain in his voice. I asked my husband where he was and that I wanted to come and find him and get him safe in our home, but he had no idea where he was and at that point I remembered that I had no means of transportation to come and get him because our only vehicle at that time had been impounded in result of the DUI, I was also new to the area so I didn't know of anyone who could get him for me. With in about 30 to 45 minutes, which felt like an eternity, he walks in to our house with his head hung low, crying uncontrollably. I felt like I just wanted to take his pain away and tell him that everything would be alright, but at that moment I don't think that anyone could help someone who felt so alone, so helpless, and the pain that addiction brings, so all I could do was just hold him and be there for him.
  The following day was the begining of our journey to sobriety. I had never known anyone whom had battled addiction in any form so I found out that there was a meeting called Alanon that is there to help family members of alcoholics and I attended AA meetings with my husband every Friday night for our date night, drove my husband to many AA meetings early or late, it didn't matter to me, I just wanted to do whatever I could in my position to help the love of my life I did not want to see the demon of alcoholism  take my best friend and my love away.
  Through attending countless meetings, getting a sponsor, and by the grace of God I now have a sober husband that could only be the husband and father that he is today by becoming sober. Sobriety allows you to live up to your potential, cultivate your talents and hobbies, and will make you in to the person you never thought you could ever be living a life constantly fighting addiction.
  After the storm passes as dark and cold as it was at the time there is such beauty that follows, seeing what the tide has brought in such as beach glass knowing that at one time it was possibly a beautiful bottle but is now broken into pieces all along the shore, but going through what it went through  this now small piece of glass  is beautiful in its own way and has become stronger because of the water tossing it about and being pushed along the sand of the beach, but the best thing that passes along with the storm is another day, another day to live a life of sobriety.
  I wanted to thank my husband for fighting the good fight, and giving me the only thing I could ever ask for and that is the man of my dreams, I love you.

Seed Being Planted

I was introduced to AA in Houston Texas when I was 18 I realized early that I liked drinking or better yet I loved drinking and drugging.  I could forget I was not popular in school I could be anybody then.  I could be a big bad drug dealer I could be a gang banger.  Which thank God I wasn’t either.  I did not even fit in with this crowd.  When I was 18 I wanted to join the Army and be an Airborne Ranger infantry took 4 years, later joined as a Chemical Specialist.
Well I was living with my father (minister of a small town Saint Paul Neb Methodist church and member of AA for 25 years this year 2010) he gave me the ultimatum quit drinking or move out.  The budding alcoholic that I was I picked moving out. I moved in with a young man (we will call him Ted) that was the tough guy in town.   I was working in a truck stop the owner an alcoholic in his own ways also.  Moving in with Ted  allowed my drinking increased tenfold. I was too busy to go to school because drinking became an occupation and school was a nuisance to my drinking career.  Even work was a nuisance to my favorite pastime.
Drinking was everything I had then. My mom sent me up to live with my father because I was too out of control for her, and my father knew I was living with Ted.  Ted was old enough to go to bars and clubs in Grand Island, Neb.  So I figured out I had to get a fake Id.  I would be 26 with this fake ID so I could hang out with Ted who I thought was my friend who I realized later he only was using the fact I had a job and made some money.  That was heaven I could drink and be around beautiful woman at least I thought so, too young to know what a beautiful woman was.
Well one night at the club Ritz in Grand Island like any other night I was drinking screw drivers and bud lights all night long.  About midnight this girl Angie was like Derek you want to go to a party I was like sure.  Ended up at somebody house no idea who’s it was.  I had to act tough everybody else was older I was a really drunk and I should have quit like 5 beers before and pass-out on some body’s couch.  I was violently  woken up this guy punching me in my head.  I roll-up and blood rolling down my head I have no idea what was happening besides being punch and being dazed people are surrounding me and this guy and he is like so you and Angie are having sex.  I had no idea what he was talking about.  He came at me punched me like three times in the head in the stomach and in the shoulder.  I tried to fight back but I was to drunk and somebody pulled him off of me and said dude he is only 18 an year old kid and then Angie came up and he cussed at her and slapped her.  Some reason that really pissed me off I grasped a bottle then hit him in his head with it knocked him out.  Through all the noise and violence cops showed up.  Blue lights rotating on the wall somebody was like dude get the F out of here.  People started to split.  I grabbed a half full 12 pack of beer that was on the ground knowing I was going to need them later.
I went to my car and knowing I was drunk and the only way to get out of trouble was escape in my car.  Started driving away with-in a block I was pulled over and for some reason I remembered to bury the Id in my seat.  Within minutes of him pulling me over and me getting out of the car I was in the back of his squad car and was being hailed off to jail.  I was booked for DUI I blew a .2. I served a week in jail during that week my dad visited me and he told me he was not going to bail me out and he was not going to tell my mom unless my mom called. He knew she would have bailed me out like every other time I’d been in trouble.  Went to court a week later and when everything was done I finally called my mom and she sent me a bus ticket to come to live with her.
Part of getting released to her I had to go to 6 months of AA.  I Was in Houston, Texas was trying to be sober.  The seed of AA was planted I remember walking in there and old crusty man looked at me and said “son are you done yet or do you need more time out there and lose much more“.  In 1990 I needed much more pain and today after being around the program for about 5 years now I always feel for those young men and woman out there coming in and being introduced to this wonderful thing that has changed my life. In every aspect I cannot imagine not being sober.  If you are a young person and wondering if you’re alcoholic, chances are pretty good you are because non-alcoholics do not wonder if they are or not.  There is only one thing I can promise you if you’re an alcoholic and you continue to drink It will only get much worse.  Take it from a man whose career has been crippled by DUI’s and life has been mangled by alcohol.  I took AA to have a relationship with God and learn how to change and mold my life into something I can be proud of for my kids I am not a drunk I am a dad.
A single father of a 12 year old girl and 7 year old son with 2 years and a few months of sobriety with almost 17 years in the Army and work at Warrior Transition Battalion one of my greatest things I have done in the Army up to this date.  My duty is working with mentally and physically injured soldiers.
I had been thinking about this prayer and want to live like this.  “Lord, make me a channel of thy peace-that where there is hatred, I may bring love-that where there is wrong, I may bring the spirit of forgiveness-that where there is discord, I may bring harmony-that where there is error, I may bring truth-that where there is doubt, I may bring faith-there were there is despair, I may bring hope-that where there is shadows I bring light-there were there is sadness, I may bring joy.  Lord, grant that I may seek rather to comfort that to be comforted-to understand, than to be understood-to love, than be loved.  For it is by self-forgetting that one finds.  It is by forgiving that one is forgiven.  It is by dying one awakens to eternal life amen…”  take care SSG Dimond, Derek

Stumbling Home

Stumbling Home


    So there I was walking or stumbling home through some part of town that I had never been nor was I exactly sure how I got there. I had a vague recollection of being pulled over and being in a cab.  The ticket in my pocket verified this that I had been stopped and charged with a DUI. The ticket was accompanied by a small computer print out that resembled the Home Depot purchase receipt in my pocket. The print out stated that I had a Blood Alcohol Level of .2.
    “Funny that was my B.A.C. at my last DUI” I said to myself but no one was around to hear my witty humor at the situation.
    I had a pending DUI from 45 days before when I had hit a curb and disabled my car while driving home from drinking with a buddy one afternoon. I had been to court and hadn’t settled anything yet.
    I was about seven miles from my house and I still wasn’t sure why I had been dropped off in a residential neighborhood so far from where I lived.
“I must have passed out in the cab and he was tired of dealing with me so he just dropped me off here or I had thought I was home and I just got out.”
    I had been in Out Patient Treatment with the Army Substance Abuse Program for my previous DUI. I really had only been going there to pay my dues ,make my Command happy and continue the lifestyle I had become accustomed to for the last ten years. I had always believed I was a heavy drinker but that was what I liked. I felt a sense of pride because I could drink large amounts. I would use drinking for most everything , to relive stress, to enjoy the day, to settle down after a late night work out, to help me get to sleep, are just a few of the reasons I drank. The prior DUI was the only time I had been in trouble or that’s what I told myself.
    As the Alcohol and euphoria from it left my body and it was being replaced by the depression I usually felt when coming down from a night of drinking I thought to myself “How did I let it get this far.” I put all the stops in place, I had only bought a small bottle of wine, I was drinking at home and I wouldn’t drive, again ,RIGHT. I started to remember all the close calls I had had over the years to DUI’s  before and other things too. It was all the normal mischief that comes from being drunk. The clearer my thinking became the more I started to realize how truly powerless I was at this time and how powerless I had been to control this addiction for some time. In all my treatment classes that I had been to in the past 30 days I had felt that I had power or control over this because “I didn’t drink every day” or “I didn’t need to drink to get through the day”.  I had always assumed alcoholics or people that were addicted had to use or drink everyday  to be “OK”.  For the first time I was looking at how much my story now related to all the others I had heard in treatment.  The stories of people with a “real drinking problem”. I started to see how I only attended social events where alcohol was served and even my extra curricular activities such as mountain biking was still centered around where to drink afterwards. When I had gone to see my family ,who didn’t drink, I would cut my visits short so I could attend parties even one Christmas when I hadn’t seen my family in a year I cut leave short so I could attend a New Years eve party where I was stationed.
    I started to believe that “I was missing out on life so I could drink!”  I was not living up to my potential or ideals of what I wanted to be because I drank so much. I don’t know if it’s a quote or where I heard it but some words that were heard somewhere in my life said “It comes down to a simple choice really, Get busy living or get busy dieing .”
    I heard a train in the distance and wondered for a few seconds what choice I was going to make. A second DUI in 45 days was going to cripple if not kill what was left of my military carrier. I was debating for several minuets if I was worth more to my family dead than alive, if stepping in front of the train would be better for us all.
    I’m here today writing this because I chose to live. The very next day I went to work with my head hung low feeling even more depressed. I attended an AA meeting at lunch  and cried like a baby about what I had done to my life and how lost I truly felt. People in the program were the only ones giving good advice so I started following that. I attended 90 meetings in 90 days, I asked someone to be my sponsor and he still is today, I got a home group, I started attending church with my family and I started living 24 hours at a time. Things started getting better from that day on. Over one year latter my military career is still in shambles but I don’t drink over it. I have been picking up the pieces and I have come further than I and others ever thought possible. I now feel like I am closer to living up to my potential and my ideals for a husband and a father. I have only had one fight with my since that day and it wasn’t even about my drinking.  I feel happier than I ever have in my life and I know that things are going to be OK. I am so happy I never have to stumble home again.

Stick With the Stickers

Stick With the Stickers

As I had never known anyone in recovery when I hit bottom, the process that I surrendered to in search of sobriety was totally foreign to me. Part of the protocol for a self-referral in my military setting was to attend a two-week alcohol and drug addiction class while being introduced to Alcoholics Anonymous meetings. In the first day in this class, the seasoned recovering soldier up front declared that we would be able to obtain sobriety if we would do just five things. As he reached for the chalk to write on the board, I reached for my pen and paper. I desperately wanted to stay sober and was eager to learn the secrets that I had not been able to find on my own (despite trying all the things our big book describes). He wrote:
1.Don’t drink (when everyone sighed, he added that the remaining four ensured #1)
2.Go to meetings
3.Get a sponsor
4.Read the book
5.Stick with the stickers
The rest of the class that day focused on the disease of alcoholism, and while I was interested and listening, I kept pondering the five secrets to achieve lasting sobriety.
As I said earlier, I had no previous exposure to recovery, and I had some incorrect assumptions about it. I thought that meetings were more classes to teach us where we had previously gone wrong with our sober attempts and then we would go on with our lives. I thought the slogans on the wall posters, coffee mugs, and bumper stickers where summary reminders of the secrets that would aid us to stay true to the lessons. Thus, I made every effort to read and memorize all the bumper stickers that I could. I wanted to be a good student and craved sobriety, so I studied these slogans in an effort to “Stick with the stickers.”
During this two-week class, my program consisted of not drinking, listening at meetings, planning to get a sponsor when I found the perfect one, reading the big book, and sticking with bumper stickers. When I heard people in meetings say that they had been sober for periods over a month or two, I felt sorry for them that they were such slow learners. I had been a secret drinker, and learning to share in recovery was a very slow process. I stayed to myself and rarely talked to anyone at meetings, and thus never asked why people were at meetings when they had been sober for a while.
On the last day of class, our instructor again wrote the five secrets on the board, and this time he commented on #5. He said, when you’re at meetings, look around and find those folks who keep coming back. Stick with those stickers. They are the winners, as recovery is not only about not drinking but also about learning to live happy, joyous, and free lives while sober. Huh?! I nearly fell out of my chair with this news. This was a life-long program? I needed to become part of this “fellowship” that I heard about at meetings? I should get close to these people? My head spun and my heart raced with panic. Only by the Grace of God, I was willing to listen and try to follow his suggestions.
Today, I am twenty years sober and living an incredible happy, joyous, and free life. I wouldn’t trade it for the anything, and I owe it all to AA. The program and the fellowship have enabled me to live without alcohol and have enriched my life beyond my wildest dreams. The fellowship holds the closest friends I have ever known, and I trust my life to them on a daily basis. Whenever I hear the slogan, “Stick with the stickers,” I smile and say a prayer of gratitude for both my original interpretation as well as the intended meaning of the words. I needed and will forever cherish both the AA bumper stickers and those recovering folks who have gone before me and so graciously pass the program on.